My Story: What does depression like?

You can read about my experience with depression in my previous article. We have become very close and that is why I know very well what depression likes.

Yes, depression had swallowed me but it did not mean that I did not try to fight it. I used to read and listen (when I was able to focus) a lot of books and materials on various subjects – psychology, personal development, finance, business etc.

In almost everything I read and listened to there was one and the same to find:

·         7 tips for dealing with depression;

·         15 simple rules for overcoming depression;

·         5 strategies how to be more successful and happy;

·         30-day challenge for achieving you goals;

·         A new habit is to be formed in 60 days;

·         12 tips how to be more productive;

·         Take a walk / train / read every morning;

·         Practice sport regularly;

·         9 steps to healthy eating

All these strategies and tips are probably wonderful and work fine for some people. But not for a person who has depression. Depression likes numbers and the obliging – “every morning”, “every day”, “every week” etc.

Why? Because it knows that you are going to go down in flames. A person with depression will sooner or later miss one of the tips, will miss the walk promised for the next 30 days in a row, will miss the workout scheduled for every week…And when it happens, the depression’s embrace becomes even more suffocating. 

I had promised to myself that I would go for a walk every morning – just put on my sneakers and go out even for a 5-minute walk – but every morning. And…I failed. After 2 weeks I missed a day. I said to myself: “Fine, it is just one day, it is allowed. Tomorrow you have to get up and go out.”

But “tomorrow” I did not feel good again and I could not get out of the bed and go out. So it was two days in which I missed my walk. Depression rejoiced. And as if to show me its joy, it embraced me even stronger. I could not only get out of my house, but could not get out of the couch and make myself something to eat. I said to myself: “It did not work this time but I will try again on Monday, or even better – on 1st of next month. Now I can fall to pieces, quit everything for a couple of days and then I will keep my head and will try again.”

I quit sport the same way because I missed a week and then another week so that I completely fell out of shape. There was no point in training once a month and get sore muscles. I tried different strategies and prepared plans – every day’s exercises, reading, walking, keeping a diary, eating at least 3 times a day, a big shopping once a week etc. All these failed. Because there was always a day in which I missed something, I just felt too bad to find strengths to do it. This in turn led to even stronger feeling that I am no good, that I am a complete failure and the worst thing – that nothing makes sense anymore.

Depression feeds from numbers, binding and obliging phrases, plans and strategies.